Just Once
I can only be great once. At least that’s my inner monologue. But what is that? Is it imposter syndrome? Whatever it is, it keeps me hidden. It keeps me from being consistent and giving it my all. And it’s wrapped up in everything that I do. It’s almost as if I punish myself or feel shame for wanting to do and be more.
As I sit here and contemplate on this, so many things are coming to mind. My father jokingly (and inappropriately) told me at a young age that the only reason my guidance counselor thought I was a nice girl with a bright future was because she “doesn’t really know” me. My sister, who wasn’t so kind to me throughout my childhood, especially during moments I began to excel. Maybe I’ve internalized the abuse I experienced as a child, or my teenage boyfriend putting me down for the dreams I had…I’m not sure. But what my father said is something that comes to my mind often. Man it hurt when he said that. And I still carry it with me in more ways than one.
I don’t know why it’s tied to this belief that I only have one piece of goodness in me –that it’s all a fluke, that I’m a fluke– but it is. And I seek to get my beliefs agreed with, whether I care to openly admit that or not.
This is all coming up because I’ve decided to begin writing again on a regular basis. The last entry I wrote felt so good, and it was honest. I didn’t spend time editing it, or editing my thoughts. It was a complete free flow of my heart. It was pure. And I wanted to continue on that path. To be honest and sit in my uncertainty, and open myself in a way that I hadn’t allowed myself to in the past. But when I sat down to write again, I felt that people-pleasing, need-to-be-perfect-and-inspiring thing that I do. And I stopped. And I sat with myself. I allowed the space between my thoughts and the need to find an answer to expand so I could truly feel what was happening in my body. And it kind of floated out of me: “I can only be great once”.
I know it’s a lie. I know it’s the farthest from the truth. I know that the more you create, the more you can create. I’ve said it before “creativity begets creativity”. It’s a path that only deepens the more you allow yourself to soak in it. I’ve experienced it. And yet… the deepest parts of me, maybe my shadow self, believes that I only have one song in me. That greatness is for “them”. That achieving your dreams is just that – a dream. Maybe it does come from my father saying what he said. Maybe I’m so deeply afraid of exposing my whole heart only to be rejected en masse. But what I do know is that I don’t want to be held captive to that anymore. And maybe, right now, knowing that is enough.
Dreams & Valleys 